Now I don’t want anyone to be alarmed but for the first half of my day I felt like I was wading through pea soup, feeling a bit broken and lost for meaning, searching for an anchor to hold onto, to weather the storm……
OK, I’m going to stop here.
Now in the past, when I have shared the real me, who often feels distant from my Baba (The Divine Within) and bumbling through life, I have received well intended but still concerned emails…… I really do appreciate your love and concern but I feel like I should also raise a concern that I have with the culture of Ananda Marga.
I have been in AM for a while now and have been through LFT life and also training life and I have to say that I have noticed a disconnect from what we’re actually feeling and what we feel like we should be projecting as margi’s. I found that this gap within myself created quite a bit of grief and I dare say even some complexes as I struggled to adjust with the high ideals that I placed upon myself.
(Please understand that I’m generalizing, and sharing from my perspective. I know lots of margi’s who are very in touch with themselves, and have found a very good balance.)
Looking back I now realize that instead of really working through some of the knots that held tight in my mind I unconsciously sought to feel a disconnect from the emotion in the temporary bliss of kiirtan and meditation. I don’t have any regrets, infact I feel like it was a necessary phase that I blissfully enjoyed. When I was a new margi, after learning meditation I was over whelmed by the surge of ripened samskaras, and for the first few years had a very tough time adjusting socially. My shyness and fear propensities became magnified 100 fold. The only time I felt at peace was either when I was doing meditation or during kiirtan, this extreme external pressure and the attraction that I felt for God was the perfect storm, which allowed me to form a deep relationship with my practice and Baba. But also during that time I remember feeling like some of the propensities that gave me grief were “bad” and through my practice I was able to temporarily disconnect from the visceral feelings of discomfort. I honestly felt a bit alienated, like “I was the only one going through this turmoil, there must be something wrong with me”
It actually wasn’t until recently that I came to the realization of acceptance and love for all of the darkness, and now I try to bring the light of manta and Ideation into the night and turn on the lights and see that there’s no boogy man, its Him smiling gracefully.
So getting back to what I started this blog post with. When I share my struggle its not to dwell on the negative, I just want to be real and share with you my experience through the 40 day challenge. I would feel ingenuine if I only shared all of the blissful moments, and omitted the struggles that are infused with so many wonderful opportunities for growth.
Oh by the way, I came up with a really nice new tune today which transformed and enlightened my day. I’ll record and post the kiirtan in the next couple of days…
p.s. I would love to engage in some discussion on some of the thoughts that I shared.